I mean the one I sometimes find myself playing with God.
I am a religious person. I accepted Christ as my personal savior a long time ago. I have been on a ton of missions trips. In high school I was known as one of the Thomas sisters, a little bit goody-goody. While others were at parties, we were at youth group. We went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday. My mom sang on the worship team. We prayed before every meal. Religion coursed through the veins of our family.
Now that I'm older, my religion and the way I live it, has become my own responsibility. Maybe responsibility isn't the right word. But, once I was out of the family house, and on my own, I had to be accountable on my own for my faith. No longer, do I have my mom to put foam curlers in my hair to prepare for Sunday morning church services. It is up to me to make it to church, it is up to me to pray before my meals, it is up to me to prioritize my day to allow for a quiet time to be in the Word.
I am still a very passionate person about my beliefs, and I still have a very personal relationship with Jesus, and I think having Kai has helped me grow in my faith. It has become so much more immediatley important that I be an example for him.
And yet I still struggle.
The last couple weeks have been especially trying for me and my faith. Why is it that when things get so hard in life, it becomes so much easier to hide from God? We should be seeking Him out, leaning on Him for support, and crumbling at His feet at the very hardest times.
I tell myself that I am trusting in God at my hardest times. I pray about my struggles. I tell myself I have unburdened myself, and have hung all my baggage on His neck. I tell myself all these things, and yet today, I was reminded that I am still keeping a grip on the strap of the enormous piece of luggage I had just "given" to God.
There is no hiding from God. He will continue to "find" you no matter how hidden you think you might be. Or how long it has been. Or the choices you have made. He will never lose sight of you.
I had been hiding, and this morning, like a slap in the face I was found.
I had been struggling majorly with forgiveness and giving grace like I would like to be given. Guess what my MOPS lesson was on this morning. Yep you guessed it. Giving grace, giving forgiveness. Ready or not, here He comes. Busted.
So this morning, I am officially giving it all up to Him. I do not want it anymore. The only person I am hurting by holding on to the bitterness is me. Take it please Lord. Change my heart, and let me show love.
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us
in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16
