who I've become.

I read recently that giving birth and becoming a mother is "filling a void that you didn't know existed."  The author said, in a most poetic way, that it is like seeing a sunrise for the first time.  Like having your first taste of chocolate.  Minutes before experiencing these things you were just carrying on in life not knowing that with the orange, pink, and purple display that would soon happen, your life would be that much more full.  Life would be more beautiful (and delicious) knowing that sunrises and chocolate existed in the most glorious of ways.

This got me thinking.

Before having Kai, I didn't realize how much I wanted to be a mother.  I didn't realize I had a void in my life.  I was happy enough.  Dan and I were close and connected.  My relationship with my family was becoming stronger.  I thought I had everything I needed.  Then... enter this beautiful, fragile, 7lb 11 oz little angel, that literally depended on me to keep him happy, nourished, healthy, and very simply alive.  My entire identity, purpose, and life was suddenly changed.  No longer was my worth found in being the best dressed, most popular, most loved, best waitress, hard worker, great daughter, or any other unachievable lie that society made me believe.  My worthiness is found in my heart.  It is found in my boys smiles.  It is found in his health.  It is found in his mind expanding and learning.  It is found in the unconditional and ever-growing love between us.

I had no idea that my happiness could be so much more colossal and more advanced.  I had no idea that my relationship with Dan would be that much more connected, intimate, and special as his identity changed too.  I had no idea that my relationship with my parents, my siblings and even grandparents, would suddenly become so much more deep as their identities deepened, and gained new purpose along with mine.

A void that I didn't know existed was now full.  It hasn't always been rainbows and unicorns, but that hole was redeemed and made whole.

I now know in this life, my most pure, most substantial, most paramount and most significant role is to mother. And to mother the best that I can.

This is who I've become.  Who I am.

Waiting

Waiting sucks.  Longing for something and choosing to wait for it sucks more.

Dan and I have decided to wait again for a new baby.  Its hard.  No matter how much it makes sense financially, and the timing might be tough, it still is painful to make that decision.

The deepest and most pure part of my being knows that my purpose is to mother.  I never imagined I would only be mothering one sweet boy.  When we found out I was expecting Kai, nothing seemed in our favor.  Dan and I had only just become official, I had just moved to a new place just one day before, I had no insurance, I was young, and our love was younger.  We dealt with and overcame every obstacle, and I believe, we found grace through all the trials.  Now almost five years later, we are figuring things out.  Our marriage is strong, we have a beautiful home to grow in, we have jobs to support us, not a lot of extras, but everything we need.  And yet it is still hard.

Is there ever a right time to grow your family.  Is waiting futile? I don't have the answers.  I don't know what lies ahead for us, or if choosing to wait will ever result in my hearts desire.  I can only just hope that, for us, waiting means putting off for now, and that we won't always just be waiting.

And to you, my perfect, sweet, little baby.  I love you already.  I pray for you daily.  I want you.  And you will be so so worth the wait.

And then there was light.

Oh my God, what is this funk I'm in?

Our house is a mess.  There is laundry to do and crumbs smooshed into the carpets.

I'm so bored.

I'm so tired.

I have a head ache. It's throbbing.  The light hurts.

This chair is so uncomfortable, and it's so hot.

I'll try the couch.  Still hot.

I wonder what there is to eat.

Hmmm, what can I make with instant rice and cheese.

Cheese.

I need to go to the store. I don't want to spend money.

I hate money.  We need money.

I hate working.  We need money. 

How am I going to keep working and be pregnant.

We need money.

No one gets it. 

My heart wants a baby, it yearns for, and demands a baby.

Why am I not pregnant yet?

Can we even afford one?

Does Dan want one the same way? Does he have these same thoughts?

This can't be normal.

What is wrong?

I should be happy.  We have it so good.

Kai is so loved.  He is thriving.  He is excelling.  Why is it hard to focus on.

Dan loves me so well.  Our marriage is strong.  We have endured.  It is excelling.  

Why can't I focus on that?

I should talk to him.

Maybe I'm depressed. Is it hereditary? 

This cant be normal. I'm not normal.  What's wrong with me?

I'm so tired. My head is throbbing. Not enough sleep.

"Um babe"... in his sweetest, most timid, and loving voice... "do you always feel this way or only once a month? Maybe like a cycle?"

And then there was light.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Carry on women, pray for more sleep, sweet kids, sweeter husbands, and a little sweet chocolate.

peace finding journey.

It was two and half years ago that we first began down the road of fully understanding our son. It was then that we were told that Kai had some "developmental delays."  We started immediately with in home therapy working 3 to 4 days a week with a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, and an early childhood special educator.  These women worked with the whole family to bring Kai to where he should be.  I cant express my thanks enough for the blessing that was "free therapy."  Really and truly I am thankful, but also I started to resent it. 

Kai made gradual progress in play, sluggish progress in his sensory needs, but remained pretty stagnant in his progress with speech.  My heart was the same.  I was so proud that the women coming each week saw how sweet and loving my little man could be.  But at the same time, I felt burdened to have them in my home every week.  I was so proud when his play style advanced from "dump and fill." But I felt discouraged when he'd get frustrated and hit, throw, kick, and bang his head against his therapists. (and don't even get me started on the embarrassment when Kai's frustration happened out in public)  At the center of my heart, I was struggling with it all.

 A few months into this journey I expressed my fears to a friend.  At the time I thought maybe my sweet, mayor of a son, could have been on the spectrum.  That word floated around in my head for a while haunting me, and probably shading my outlook of the great strides Kai was making.

Then, I got a message from that friend's well meaning family member, with websites to look into, links, info, and celebrity believers, all that said that the reason for Kai's struggle was because Dan and I had chosen to get Kai his recommended Vaccines.  As if I didn't feel enough blame and shame for Kai's delays already.  

As moms we all have our own methods of parenting.  We all make choices for our children every day to better them.  I did (and continue to do) what I think is right for Kai.  And for us, that means taking the risk of getting our son vaccinated, over the risk of what those diseases could mean for Kai.

Yesterday was Kai's 4 year well visit, and that meant two shots for him.  No matter my beliefs about them, the huge tears that follow still make my heart hurt. Kai is doing great,  there are still major delays, but we have seen such huge growth.  He is most definitely NOT on the spectrum, is making friends, and loving his swim lessons.  And for the record, his delays don't have a title, or reason, or rhyme, they are just part of what makes my son so special and unique.

The point of all this, is that, as moms, we need to stop judging, explaining, making reasons for, making excuses for, and stop comparing to, each other's parenting style. Let it be, and let each other begin their own peace finding journey.  It was two and a half years ago that I began mine.

It's Been Some Time

It has been almost exactly a year since my last post.  Why is it that something that gives you such a cathartic release, enjoyment, and fullfillment, is one of the first things to get tossed to the side when life gets a little crazy.  Let this be my message in clear written form, DO MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE, if there is happiness and contentment, THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

In the last year, there has been lots of changes. I know- weird right? The last 5 years have held so many dueling dichotomys.  Pleasant-Unpleasant --- Mundane-Exciting --- Stressful-Peaceful --- Fun-Frightening---  Worry-Hopefulness --- and exactly what was meant for us.

All of Kai's therapy sessions turned into him being qualified for special ed preschool.  He goes 4 mornings a week and I cannot believe this, but next week is the official end of his first school year.  There is a vast difference between where he began and where he is now, and we are so proud of the progress he has made.  But there are still some hugely discouraging days, where it still seems like he is miles from where his peers are.  As a mom it is so hard not to compare.  Kai is one of the most loving children I've ever met and demands "five kisses" from anyone and everyone.  He notices babies crying and his heart melts for them. He is so good at distinguishing peoples emotions, and responds accordingly. And he makes us so genuinely happy.  Also, he turns 4 in just a couple weeks- How can that be?

Dan just had his one year anniversary at his new job, and is really proving himself there.  I am so proud to watch him work so hard and do so well.  Who knows what the future will bring with jobs, of all people we understand that there is no guarantee, but for now, I feel like he is right where he belongs. 

For me, I finally feel like I'm succeeding at being a wife, and a mom.  In the last few months, I have chosen to step back a bit from my job and decrease my hours at work to dedicate more time for the things that really matter.  It hasn't been totally easy financially, but when is it ever? It took me so long to finally feel like I was doing a good job and finally feel proud of my role as a mother and wife vs. being a working mom.  But it also is a huge adjustment.  For so long, I have found my worth in working and working my hardest, and I have dedicated WAY too many hours to my job.  So now, I'm trying to refocus my energy into my home and my loves.  It has been great to see good things come from that.  I guess, in a way it is just me maturing and becoming a real, living, and breathing, Mother.  Before I was just a mom- now I feel like I'm more than that.

Dan and I achieved our goal of a new home and it was a VERY stressful ride to get here.  There was months of unsureness and praying and hoping and willing it to happen, and now it has. We are so proud of the house we get to plant our family roots in and make our Home.  We have been in now for almost 5 months and we are mostly settled.  There are so many things we'd love to get done to make it feel cozy, but now we've got the time to get it done.  Like forever- Dan says we are never moving again. 

Our sweet little family is growing, maturing, and becoming more of what we want it to be.  Our life is finally in our own hands, and we feel like we are making our own choices to steer in the direction we want to go in.

We are aboard the roller coaster of life and it is a sweet sweet ride.

change or be changed.

What does it take for a person to change?

In the last year, we have moved twice, Dan has switched jobs twice, went through a couple months of being unemployed, I went back to work, it has been brought to our attention that Kai has some developmental delays, we have therapists in our home three days a week, and our life seems as crazy busy as it always has.

At the core I am the same woman,  same mother, same wife, same daughter.

What does it take for a person to become better?

How many times must you make the same mistakes, to realize it is in fact you, who must do the changing and growing. And maybe what they are saying is true, it is in fact YOU.

How many different jobs, homes, vehicles, new relationships, and then relationships lost, arguments, triumphs, and failures must a person have before they change?

In my life I always try to make changes to positively progress my life.  If I don't like being a stay at home mom, I go get a job.  We want to buy a new house, we pick up more shifts, and save the money.  I make choices because I want to change for the better.

Why do some people never make any choices to better themselves.  Instead they do the same thing over and over and over again, and get worse and worse, and bring people down with them, and hurt everyone in the process. 

I guess all that can be controlled is for me to make yet another growth change, and become better when others cant.  And I'll know that I will always have my little boy and big boy to hold my hand through the process.

hide and seek.

Hide and seek.  Not the game you play when you are little, where you hide in the closet behind some of Grandma's old clothes, and you have to stifle giggles so that your cousins won't find you.  No not that one.

I mean the one I sometimes find myself playing with God. 

I am a religious person.  I accepted Christ as my personal savior a long time ago.  I have been on a ton of missions trips.  In high school I was known as one of the Thomas sisters, a little bit goody-goody.  While others were at parties, we were at youth group.  We went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday.  My mom sang on the worship team.  We prayed before every meal.  Religion coursed through the veins of our family. 

Now that I'm older, my religion and the way I live it, has become my own responsibility.  Maybe responsibility isn't the right word.  But, once I was out of the family house, and on my own, I had to be accountable on my own for my faith.  No longer, do I have my mom to put foam curlers in my hair to prepare for Sunday morning church services. It is up to me to make it to church, it is up to me to pray before my meals, it is up to me to prioritize my day to allow for a quiet time to be in the Word. 

I am still a very passionate person about my beliefs, and I still have a very personal relationship with Jesus, and I think having Kai has helped me grow in my faith.  It has become so much more immediatley important that I be an example for him.

And yet I still struggle. 

The last couple weeks have been especially trying for me and my faith.  Why is it that when things get so hard in life, it becomes so much easier to hide from God? We should be seeking Him out, leaning on Him for support, and crumbling at His feet at the very hardest times.

I tell myself that I am trusting in God at my hardest times.  I pray about my struggles.  I tell myself I have unburdened myself, and have hung all my baggage on His neck.  I tell myself all these things, and yet today, I was reminded that I am still keeping a grip on the strap of the enormous piece of luggage I had just "given" to God.

There is no hiding from God.  He will continue to "find" you no matter how hidden you think you might be. Or how long it has been.  Or the choices you have made.  He will never lose sight of you.

I had been hiding, and this morning, like a slap in the face I was found.

I had been struggling majorly with forgiveness and giving grace like I would like to be given.  Guess what my MOPS lesson was on this morning.  Yep you guessed it.  Giving grace, giving forgiveness.  Ready or not, here He comes.  Busted. 

So this morning, I am officially giving it all up to Him.  I do not want it anymore.  The only person I am hurting by holding on to the bitterness is me.  Take it please Lord. Change my heart, and let me show love.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,

so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us

in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16