peace finding journey.

It was two and half years ago that we first began down the road of fully understanding our son. It was then that we were told that Kai had some "developmental delays."  We started immediately with in home therapy working 3 to 4 days a week with a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, and an early childhood special educator.  These women worked with the whole family to bring Kai to where he should be.  I cant express my thanks enough for the blessing that was "free therapy."  Really and truly I am thankful, but also I started to resent it. 

Kai made gradual progress in play, sluggish progress in his sensory needs, but remained pretty stagnant in his progress with speech.  My heart was the same.  I was so proud that the women coming each week saw how sweet and loving my little man could be.  But at the same time, I felt burdened to have them in my home every week.  I was so proud when his play style advanced from "dump and fill." But I felt discouraged when he'd get frustrated and hit, throw, kick, and bang his head against his therapists. (and don't even get me started on the embarrassment when Kai's frustration happened out in public)  At the center of my heart, I was struggling with it all.

 A few months into this journey I expressed my fears to a friend.  At the time I thought maybe my sweet, mayor of a son, could have been on the spectrum.  That word floated around in my head for a while haunting me, and probably shading my outlook of the great strides Kai was making.

Then, I got a message from that friend's well meaning family member, with websites to look into, links, info, and celebrity believers, all that said that the reason for Kai's struggle was because Dan and I had chosen to get Kai his recommended Vaccines.  As if I didn't feel enough blame and shame for Kai's delays already.  

As moms we all have our own methods of parenting.  We all make choices for our children every day to better them.  I did (and continue to do) what I think is right for Kai.  And for us, that means taking the risk of getting our son vaccinated, over the risk of what those diseases could mean for Kai.

Yesterday was Kai's 4 year well visit, and that meant two shots for him.  No matter my beliefs about them, the huge tears that follow still make my heart hurt. Kai is doing great,  there are still major delays, but we have seen such huge growth.  He is most definitely NOT on the spectrum, is making friends, and loving his swim lessons.  And for the record, his delays don't have a title, or reason, or rhyme, they are just part of what makes my son so special and unique.

The point of all this, is that, as moms, we need to stop judging, explaining, making reasons for, making excuses for, and stop comparing to, each other's parenting style. Let it be, and let each other begin their own peace finding journey.  It was two and a half years ago that I began mine.