Waiting

Waiting sucks.  Longing for something and choosing to wait for it sucks more.

Dan and I have decided to wait again for a new baby.  Its hard.  No matter how much it makes sense financially, and the timing might be tough, it still is painful to make that decision.

The deepest and most pure part of my being knows that my purpose is to mother.  I never imagined I would only be mothering one sweet boy.  When we found out I was expecting Kai, nothing seemed in our favor.  Dan and I had only just become official, I had just moved to a new place just one day before, I had no insurance, I was young, and our love was younger.  We dealt with and overcame every obstacle, and I believe, we found grace through all the trials.  Now almost five years later, we are figuring things out.  Our marriage is strong, we have a beautiful home to grow in, we have jobs to support us, not a lot of extras, but everything we need.  And yet it is still hard.

Is there ever a right time to grow your family.  Is waiting futile? I don't have the answers.  I don't know what lies ahead for us, or if choosing to wait will ever result in my hearts desire.  I can only just hope that, for us, waiting means putting off for now, and that we won't always just be waiting.

And to you, my perfect, sweet, little baby.  I love you already.  I pray for you daily.  I want you.  And you will be so so worth the wait.

And then there was light.

Oh my God, what is this funk I'm in?

Our house is a mess.  There is laundry to do and crumbs smooshed into the carpets.

I'm so bored.

I'm so tired.

I have a head ache. It's throbbing.  The light hurts.

This chair is so uncomfortable, and it's so hot.

I'll try the couch.  Still hot.

I wonder what there is to eat.

Hmmm, what can I make with instant rice and cheese.

Cheese.

I need to go to the store. I don't want to spend money.

I hate money.  We need money.

I hate working.  We need money. 

How am I going to keep working and be pregnant.

We need money.

No one gets it. 

My heart wants a baby, it yearns for, and demands a baby.

Why am I not pregnant yet?

Can we even afford one?

Does Dan want one the same way? Does he have these same thoughts?

This can't be normal.

What is wrong?

I should be happy.  We have it so good.

Kai is so loved.  He is thriving.  He is excelling.  Why is it hard to focus on.

Dan loves me so well.  Our marriage is strong.  We have endured.  It is excelling.  

Why can't I focus on that?

I should talk to him.

Maybe I'm depressed. Is it hereditary? 

This cant be normal. I'm not normal.  What's wrong with me?

I'm so tired. My head is throbbing. Not enough sleep.

"Um babe"... in his sweetest, most timid, and loving voice... "do you always feel this way or only once a month? Maybe like a cycle?"

And then there was light.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Carry on women, pray for more sleep, sweet kids, sweeter husbands, and a little sweet chocolate.