Waiting

Waiting sucks.  Longing for something and choosing to wait for it sucks more.

Dan and I have decided to wait again for a new baby.  Its hard.  No matter how much it makes sense financially, and the timing might be tough, it still is painful to make that decision.

The deepest and most pure part of my being knows that my purpose is to mother.  I never imagined I would only be mothering one sweet boy.  When we found out I was expecting Kai, nothing seemed in our favor.  Dan and I had only just become official, I had just moved to a new place just one day before, I had no insurance, I was young, and our love was younger.  We dealt with and overcame every obstacle, and I believe, we found grace through all the trials.  Now almost five years later, we are figuring things out.  Our marriage is strong, we have a beautiful home to grow in, we have jobs to support us, not a lot of extras, but everything we need.  And yet it is still hard.

Is there ever a right time to grow your family.  Is waiting futile? I don't have the answers.  I don't know what lies ahead for us, or if choosing to wait will ever result in my hearts desire.  I can only just hope that, for us, waiting means putting off for now, and that we won't always just be waiting.

And to you, my perfect, sweet, little baby.  I love you already.  I pray for you daily.  I want you.  And you will be so so worth the wait.