who I've become.

I read recently that giving birth and becoming a mother is "filling a void that you didn't know existed."  The author said, in a most poetic way, that it is like seeing a sunrise for the first time.  Like having your first taste of chocolate.  Minutes before experiencing these things you were just carrying on in life not knowing that with the orange, pink, and purple display that would soon happen, your life would be that much more full.  Life would be more beautiful (and delicious) knowing that sunrises and chocolate existed in the most glorious of ways.

This got me thinking.

Before having Kai, I didn't realize how much I wanted to be a mother.  I didn't realize I had a void in my life.  I was happy enough.  Dan and I were close and connected.  My relationship with my family was becoming stronger.  I thought I had everything I needed.  Then... enter this beautiful, fragile, 7lb 11 oz little angel, that literally depended on me to keep him happy, nourished, healthy, and very simply alive.  My entire identity, purpose, and life was suddenly changed.  No longer was my worth found in being the best dressed, most popular, most loved, best waitress, hard worker, great daughter, or any other unachievable lie that society made me believe.  My worthiness is found in my heart.  It is found in my boys smiles.  It is found in his health.  It is found in his mind expanding and learning.  It is found in the unconditional and ever-growing love between us.

I had no idea that my happiness could be so much more colossal and more advanced.  I had no idea that my relationship with Dan would be that much more connected, intimate, and special as his identity changed too.  I had no idea that my relationship with my parents, my siblings and even grandparents, would suddenly become so much more deep as their identities deepened, and gained new purpose along with mine.

A void that I didn't know existed was now full.  It hasn't always been rainbows and unicorns, but that hole was redeemed and made whole.

I now know in this life, my most pure, most substantial, most paramount and most significant role is to mother. And to mother the best that I can.

This is who I've become.  Who I am.