And then there was light.

Oh my God, what is this funk I'm in?

Our house is a mess.  There is laundry to do and crumbs smooshed into the carpets.

I'm so bored.

I'm so tired.

I have a head ache. It's throbbing.  The light hurts.

This chair is so uncomfortable, and it's so hot.

I'll try the couch.  Still hot.

I wonder what there is to eat.

Hmmm, what can I make with instant rice and cheese.

Cheese.

I need to go to the store. I don't want to spend money.

I hate money.  We need money.

I hate working.  We need money. 

How am I going to keep working and be pregnant.

We need money.

No one gets it. 

My heart wants a baby, it yearns for, and demands a baby.

Why am I not pregnant yet?

Can we even afford one?

Does Dan want one the same way? Does he have these same thoughts?

This can't be normal.

What is wrong?

I should be happy.  We have it so good.

Kai is so loved.  He is thriving.  He is excelling.  Why is it hard to focus on.

Dan loves me so well.  Our marriage is strong.  We have endured.  It is excelling.  

Why can't I focus on that?

I should talk to him.

Maybe I'm depressed. Is it hereditary? 

This cant be normal. I'm not normal.  What's wrong with me?

I'm so tired. My head is throbbing. Not enough sleep.

"Um babe"... in his sweetest, most timid, and loving voice... "do you always feel this way or only once a month? Maybe like a cycle?"

And then there was light.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Carry on women, pray for more sleep, sweet kids, sweeter husbands, and a little sweet chocolate.

peace finding journey.

It was two and half years ago that we first began down the road of fully understanding our son. It was then that we were told that Kai had some "developmental delays."  We started immediately with in home therapy working 3 to 4 days a week with a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, and an early childhood special educator.  These women worked with the whole family to bring Kai to where he should be.  I cant express my thanks enough for the blessing that was "free therapy."  Really and truly I am thankful, but also I started to resent it. 

Kai made gradual progress in play, sluggish progress in his sensory needs, but remained pretty stagnant in his progress with speech.  My heart was the same.  I was so proud that the women coming each week saw how sweet and loving my little man could be.  But at the same time, I felt burdened to have them in my home every week.  I was so proud when his play style advanced from "dump and fill." But I felt discouraged when he'd get frustrated and hit, throw, kick, and bang his head against his therapists. (and don't even get me started on the embarrassment when Kai's frustration happened out in public)  At the center of my heart, I was struggling with it all.

 A few months into this journey I expressed my fears to a friend.  At the time I thought maybe my sweet, mayor of a son, could have been on the spectrum.  That word floated around in my head for a while haunting me, and probably shading my outlook of the great strides Kai was making.

Then, I got a message from that friend's well meaning family member, with websites to look into, links, info, and celebrity believers, all that said that the reason for Kai's struggle was because Dan and I had chosen to get Kai his recommended Vaccines.  As if I didn't feel enough blame and shame for Kai's delays already.  

As moms we all have our own methods of parenting.  We all make choices for our children every day to better them.  I did (and continue to do) what I think is right for Kai.  And for us, that means taking the risk of getting our son vaccinated, over the risk of what those diseases could mean for Kai.

Yesterday was Kai's 4 year well visit, and that meant two shots for him.  No matter my beliefs about them, the huge tears that follow still make my heart hurt. Kai is doing great,  there are still major delays, but we have seen such huge growth.  He is most definitely NOT on the spectrum, is making friends, and loving his swim lessons.  And for the record, his delays don't have a title, or reason, or rhyme, they are just part of what makes my son so special and unique.

The point of all this, is that, as moms, we need to stop judging, explaining, making reasons for, making excuses for, and stop comparing to, each other's parenting style. Let it be, and let each other begin their own peace finding journey.  It was two and a half years ago that I began mine.

It's Been Some Time

It has been almost exactly a year since my last post.  Why is it that something that gives you such a cathartic release, enjoyment, and fullfillment, is one of the first things to get tossed to the side when life gets a little crazy.  Let this be my message in clear written form, DO MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE, if there is happiness and contentment, THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

In the last year, there has been lots of changes. I know- weird right? The last 5 years have held so many dueling dichotomys.  Pleasant-Unpleasant --- Mundane-Exciting --- Stressful-Peaceful --- Fun-Frightening---  Worry-Hopefulness --- and exactly what was meant for us.

All of Kai's therapy sessions turned into him being qualified for special ed preschool.  He goes 4 mornings a week and I cannot believe this, but next week is the official end of his first school year.  There is a vast difference between where he began and where he is now, and we are so proud of the progress he has made.  But there are still some hugely discouraging days, where it still seems like he is miles from where his peers are.  As a mom it is so hard not to compare.  Kai is one of the most loving children I've ever met and demands "five kisses" from anyone and everyone.  He notices babies crying and his heart melts for them. He is so good at distinguishing peoples emotions, and responds accordingly. And he makes us so genuinely happy.  Also, he turns 4 in just a couple weeks- How can that be?

Dan just had his one year anniversary at his new job, and is really proving himself there.  I am so proud to watch him work so hard and do so well.  Who knows what the future will bring with jobs, of all people we understand that there is no guarantee, but for now, I feel like he is right where he belongs. 

For me, I finally feel like I'm succeeding at being a wife, and a mom.  In the last few months, I have chosen to step back a bit from my job and decrease my hours at work to dedicate more time for the things that really matter.  It hasn't been totally easy financially, but when is it ever? It took me so long to finally feel like I was doing a good job and finally feel proud of my role as a mother and wife vs. being a working mom.  But it also is a huge adjustment.  For so long, I have found my worth in working and working my hardest, and I have dedicated WAY too many hours to my job.  So now, I'm trying to refocus my energy into my home and my loves.  It has been great to see good things come from that.  I guess, in a way it is just me maturing and becoming a real, living, and breathing, Mother.  Before I was just a mom- now I feel like I'm more than that.

Dan and I achieved our goal of a new home and it was a VERY stressful ride to get here.  There was months of unsureness and praying and hoping and willing it to happen, and now it has. We are so proud of the house we get to plant our family roots in and make our Home.  We have been in now for almost 5 months and we are mostly settled.  There are so many things we'd love to get done to make it feel cozy, but now we've got the time to get it done.  Like forever- Dan says we are never moving again. 

Our sweet little family is growing, maturing, and becoming more of what we want it to be.  Our life is finally in our own hands, and we feel like we are making our own choices to steer in the direction we want to go in.

We are aboard the roller coaster of life and it is a sweet sweet ride.

change or be changed.

What does it take for a person to change?

In the last year, we have moved twice, Dan has switched jobs twice, went through a couple months of being unemployed, I went back to work, it has been brought to our attention that Kai has some developmental delays, we have therapists in our home three days a week, and our life seems as crazy busy as it always has.

At the core I am the same woman,  same mother, same wife, same daughter.

What does it take for a person to become better?

How many times must you make the same mistakes, to realize it is in fact you, who must do the changing and growing. And maybe what they are saying is true, it is in fact YOU.

How many different jobs, homes, vehicles, new relationships, and then relationships lost, arguments, triumphs, and failures must a person have before they change?

In my life I always try to make changes to positively progress my life.  If I don't like being a stay at home mom, I go get a job.  We want to buy a new house, we pick up more shifts, and save the money.  I make choices because I want to change for the better.

Why do some people never make any choices to better themselves.  Instead they do the same thing over and over and over again, and get worse and worse, and bring people down with them, and hurt everyone in the process. 

I guess all that can be controlled is for me to make yet another growth change, and become better when others cant.  And I'll know that I will always have my little boy and big boy to hold my hand through the process.

hide and seek.

Hide and seek.  Not the game you play when you are little, where you hide in the closet behind some of Grandma's old clothes, and you have to stifle giggles so that your cousins won't find you.  No not that one.

I mean the one I sometimes find myself playing with God. 

I am a religious person.  I accepted Christ as my personal savior a long time ago.  I have been on a ton of missions trips.  In high school I was known as one of the Thomas sisters, a little bit goody-goody.  While others were at parties, we were at youth group.  We went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday.  My mom sang on the worship team.  We prayed before every meal.  Religion coursed through the veins of our family. 

Now that I'm older, my religion and the way I live it, has become my own responsibility.  Maybe responsibility isn't the right word.  But, once I was out of the family house, and on my own, I had to be accountable on my own for my faith.  No longer, do I have my mom to put foam curlers in my hair to prepare for Sunday morning church services. It is up to me to make it to church, it is up to me to pray before my meals, it is up to me to prioritize my day to allow for a quiet time to be in the Word. 

I am still a very passionate person about my beliefs, and I still have a very personal relationship with Jesus, and I think having Kai has helped me grow in my faith.  It has become so much more immediatley important that I be an example for him.

And yet I still struggle. 

The last couple weeks have been especially trying for me and my faith.  Why is it that when things get so hard in life, it becomes so much easier to hide from God? We should be seeking Him out, leaning on Him for support, and crumbling at His feet at the very hardest times.

I tell myself that I am trusting in God at my hardest times.  I pray about my struggles.  I tell myself I have unburdened myself, and have hung all my baggage on His neck.  I tell myself all these things, and yet today, I was reminded that I am still keeping a grip on the strap of the enormous piece of luggage I had just "given" to God.

There is no hiding from God.  He will continue to "find" you no matter how hidden you think you might be. Or how long it has been.  Or the choices you have made.  He will never lose sight of you.

I had been hiding, and this morning, like a slap in the face I was found.

I had been struggling majorly with forgiveness and giving grace like I would like to be given.  Guess what my MOPS lesson was on this morning.  Yep you guessed it.  Giving grace, giving forgiveness.  Ready or not, here He comes.  Busted. 

So this morning, I am officially giving it all up to Him.  I do not want it anymore.  The only person I am hurting by holding on to the bitterness is me.  Take it please Lord. Change my heart, and let me show love.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,

so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us

in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

words.

Remember the first time someone told you they love you. Think about the way it felt.  Relive the way the hair on your arms stood strait.  Dwell upon that tingly feeling at the bottom of your stomach.  Go back, and keep forever the build up as you prepared to say "I love you too."  Revive the way you felt any time you would make eye contact with that person, or heard their name, or when you saw their name on the caller id, or when you held their hand.  Everything changes when you hear those words.  Three little words that mean so much, you feel completely electric.

Words are powerful.

Remember the when the doctor told you, "You're pregnant."  The overwhelming feeling. The joy, and the fear.  Reminisce about the way you felt telling your family, your husband, or for me, my boyfriend.  Recall the excitement, the fear, the joy, and the love.  Again two words, meaningless on their own, change your entire being.  The words change the way you live your life, they change your future, they change everything.

Words are pivotal.  They hold true weight. 

Remember when you heard the words "Marry me".  Relive the feelings of pure ecstasy.  Remember the dreams that came with those two little words.  Conjure up the feeling of blessedness that accompanied those words.  Now remember the way you felt when you told that person "I do."  Again, just two little words that are used all the time, in our daily vocabulary.  Alone, they mean nothing.  But when you say them to the person you love, on that special day.  They mean everything. 

Words can be momentous.

That might be the longest introduction ever.

But my point is that words have weight to them.  Just by hearing, or saying them, can give a person an actual physical reaction.  They can cause heart rates to pound harder.  They can bring tears to your eyes.  They can make the little hairs stand strait.  Words can be crucial.  They can be major.

And your words can be the most critical part of making someone feel good.  Or bad. 

Your words, my words, they are important.  So only use them if you really mean them.  Because your words, my words they also stick.  Once they are out in the world, you cannot ever get them back.  Your words are everything.  Good or bad, they are consequential. 

Choose your words with weight.

truths and thoughts.

Hello friends, its been a while.  The truth is, almost every day I sit down to write, thinking that I have all these great ideas, and once that little cursor starts to blink at me, all those great ideas suddenly seem kind of stupid.  So, I'm sorry to leave you hanging.  I'm sure you are all sitting on the edge of your seats waiting. Ha, delusion.

truths.

1. Kai and I built his first fort yesterday.  We spent a couple hours watching movies, eating chips, and playing with his super cool baby toolbox.  The songs that stupid thing sings are still stuck in my head.  It made me feel like I had a big kid, then I realized my someday big kid probably won't want mom playing in his fort.

2. We didn't win powerball last night.  I actually couldn't sleep Tuesday night, because I stayed up fantasizing about what I would do with 50 some million dollars.  I had plans, and for some reason I truly believe this would be Dan and I's big break.  There's that delusion again.  I probably checked the powerball website 30 plus times yesterday thinking that the drawing happened at 10am.  When I couldn't find the winning numbers, I then googled what time and channel I could watch the live drawing.  When I couldn't find that, I realized that maybe it happened at 10pm.  I had fantasized calling Dan saying we had won... "YOU CAN QUIT!!!!" Better luck next time.

3. I'm working hard on my laundry.  After reading one of my old posts in which I complain endlessly about the never ending chore, my mother-in-law made the trek up the mountain to help me start fresh.  That's the thing about chores, they get way too overwhelming if you don't keep up with them regularly.  Kay helped me go through storage closets, cupboards, dressers, and we started fresh.  We made nearly 30 trips to the community dumpster purging all of the previous tenant's crap, and all of our un-needed mess.  She taught me a few tricks about how she keeps up with it all.  We went to Walmart, and spent almost $90 on new cleaning products.  And I am proud to say, I have kept up with it all.  No longer, is the laundry room a torture dungeon and I even take pride in all the chores I accomplish during the day.

4. We're sticking it out for another long winter high in the mountain-tops.  I'm trying to keep positive about this, because I know it is just as hard for Dan.  While it is completely monotonous for me to sit at home, inside, trying not to freeze, and taking care of Kai every day, Dan has to venture out into the cold every day, to go to work at a place that he hates.  I am hoping the Lucas inn makes a comeback this season for all of our friends and family to visit.  With more bodies, we can share body warmth and make it through the snowy season.

thoughts.

1.  I want to become one of those moms that plans more hands on activities and structured playtime for Kai.  I just struggle making that change.  So often, I find myself putting Kai in the middle of the room with a whole slew of toys and let him go crazy.  I need to figure out different activities that I can do with a 16 month old.  I want to be one of those moms.  It is something that I struggle with though. 

2.  I want to become one of those families.  I want to have traditions.  I want to plan fun things for the weekends.  I want to have dinner around the table.  I want to have cute fall centerpieces.  So often, on the weekends, we fall into this lax routine of sleeping in, planting ourselves on the couch, and eating junk food.  That is all fabulous every now and then.  But I want to make memories.  I want to go to the pumpkin patch.  I want to go on a hay ride.  I want to do things.  Its hard up here though.  By the time the work week is over, we are both tired, and our energy is low. But it is my hope that someday we'll make the transition.  I tell myself though, that when Kai gets a little older it will be easier.  Does anybody have ideas on traditions or activities we can do right now?

3.  I am a bit delusional.  Call it being naive or dumb or whatever.  But I kind of like it. I like believing there is a big cloud of rainbows surrounding my life.  I like believing I'm going to win the HGTV green home.  I like believing I'm going to win the lottery.  Because if you don't truly believe its already yours, whats the point of ever entering the contest?

truths and thoughts... what are yours?