After about 20 incredibly uneasy minutes, the lady came into our little waiting room to let us know that yes, in fact there was a little baby growing inside me. Dan's grip on my hand tightened and I shuttered. I immediately got tears in my eyes. The lady gave us a ton of little pamphlets on abortion, adoption, and mother's groups if the plan was to raise the child. Everybody always thinks that planned parenthood only advocates for abortion, but I felt absolutely no pressure from them. But I did have a huge decision to make. The lady told us that if I needed anything, to call and they could set me up with a counselor too.
Dan went to pay the lady at the front desk and I couldn't even wait with him. I went strait out to the car, and crumpled into the passenger seat. Dan came out to the car, but just leaned on the hood for a while before joining me in his seat. We just sat there, crying, trying to understand, and trying to cling on to any amount of normalcy. It seemed like 30 minutes, we both just sat there considering this new reality. It is amazing, looking back, how much you see your life pass through your mind, the moment you hear the words that yes, you are pregnant. I could not comprehend how different my life would be. And I had a big decision to make.
I have always been so incredibly excited to be a mother. I spent a majority of my spare time babysitting. I always had the nurturer, motherly, role in each of my friendships. And I knew that someday I was going to be a fantastic mother. But this was not what I had expected. I had always envisioned being married, and being so excited giggling and holding my husband while waiting for the plus sign to appear on the test. I had always envisioned surprising my parents in some fun extravagant way, "You're going to be grandparents!" This was nothing like I planned.
I have always been the "christian" one of my group of friends. The last one anyone would ever expect to become pregnant before being married. Least of all me. What is the saying, If you play with fire...
I could not allow myself to consider an abortion. That was just not a part of my consciousness. I figured that if I got myself into this situation, I had to be strong enough to not take the easy way out, and just make it end.
During that 30 minutes or so of sitting in the car, I did consider adoption. My mom was adopted by fabulous people and I saw how great her life was because of that.
I had to think hard. It was not a decision I could make easily.
After, what seemed like forever, Dan came and joined me inside the car. He grabbed me, held me, kissed me. We cried.
He said, "I know it is your body, and I will respect whatever you want to do. But, for what its worth, I want to have this kid. I want to raise this baby together. As a family."
That is all it took. I needed him to let me know that he was in this. I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own. His courage that day was never fleeting. He was so brave. And when I needed him most to hold me up, he was there for me. We have never really spoken about all that he had been thinking in those quiet moments.We have never talked about what it took for him to process and come to this place of courage. But however he came to this astonishing sense of sureness, I am so thankful for it.
Dan took his parents out to breakfast the following morning to tell them, and after hearing the news, his mom cancelled her omelet order, and drank her breakfast in a few strong bloody marys. He wanted to be alone when he told them, so I waited on edge for any update about how they took it. That afternoon, I met Dan and his family at the bookstore. The embrace at the front of the store calmed my nerves, and Kay said, "We love you." They bought me the first of many "What to expect..." books, and let me know that we have such a gracious God, and that everything was going to be okay.
Dan and I went on our Mexico trip Monday, and enjoyed our trip away from everything, and with that vacation, were able to come to a peace about this new journey.
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| Mexico trip: if you look closely, you can see my "What to Expect" book |
When we returned, I went to tell my mom at her house. She was getting ready for work and so the bathroom would be the setting for this uncomfortable conversation. I knew my parents were going to be so disappointed in me. It had only been just a few months that Dan and I had been together. And now, we were going to raise a child? I was supposed to stay pure until marriage. I was about to blow up their perfect image of who they wanted their daughter to be.
I am pretty sure I was crying before I even started speaking. Once the words came out of my mouth, my mom started crying too. And she was understandably upset with me. I kept telling her to step into my shoes and imagine how scared I must be. It took her a few days to speak to me again. I heard she threw up at work that day.
When I told my sister, we just hugged and cried. She and I had never been that close. We are only 18 months apart and thus competed in pretty much everything our entire lives. But, that day, she held me and comforted me, cried with me, and understood me. I think that is the day that she and I became more than sisters, we were friends.
Telling my dad, was hard, and not just because he would be disappointed. He and I hadn't spoken at all or seen each other in a few months. There was a lot of family turmoil going on, and I had beef with him. The phone call was pretty much like, "Hey dad, it's Lyndsey. I'm pregnant with Dan's kid and I know you haven't met him but I love him, and we're keeping the baby." He said he would support me, but wanted me to consider every option. He wanted to me to think about how radically it would change my life, and that it would not be easy. Didn't he know that 24-7 that was all I could think about?
The following weeks were tough. I didn't have health insurance, so that was our first obstacle. Luckily, after some hard problem solving, and without much real drama, I was able to get on Dan's insurance. God granted us that.
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| One of the first pictures of our little bean. |
Whoever named morning sickness, was crazy. It should be called all day, all night, at any point sickness. This baby was going to make me work hard for it. I lost like 10 pounds the first trimester. Some days, I even had trouble keeping water down.
I made another move the next week out of the town home and into Dan's house. We wanted to be together through all of this. And whenever our child came, we wanted our kid to have their own space with us as a family.
There were some hard days. Some days, I would feel so raw, like my heart was on the outside of my body for anything or anyone to see and touch. Any one thing could set me off. I believe it was November 12th, that I was laying on our bed resting, and when Dan got home from work, he came to lay with me. It had been an especially trying day, and I was very emotional. I told Dan that my biggest fear was that there was nothing holding him and I together. If at any point he decided that this wasn't what he wanted, he could just leave me and this child and not think twice. I was so scared we would end up another statistic. That's when he said to hold on and that he would be right back. When he got back to the room, he stood me up off the bed, got down on a knee, and proposed to me. I don't remember now exactly what he said, just how it felt to hear it. I couldn't believe this was happening. I felt so loved. I felt so accepted. And I knew for sure, how abundant, and undeniable our love was. I was so shocked that I put his grandmother's beautiful ring on my pointer finger. We love laughing about this moment now. While this proposal wasn't the stereotypical romantic and extravagant affair on the jumbo tron, it was perfect. Exactly what I needed. After all, nothing this far had been planned.
After calling our friends and family to tell them we were engaged we went out to dinner to celebrate. Dan asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, and quickly remembered that not only was I pregnant and therefore couldn't drink, I was also not even the owner of a legitimate over 21 i.d. In the middle of our appetizer that night, at that fancy restaraunt, my "Morning sickness" kicked in and I ran to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth. Reality check.
My second trimester was so much easier. I had gotten used to the idea of being a mother. I was starting to accept my new body. Our families had stepped behind us fully for support. And my relationship with Dan had never been stronger. Oh, and God granted me the gift of not being sick anymore. I took my vitamins like a religion, my hair got longer, and I watched my diet avoiding anything I heard might not be safe. We were discussing names, and planning showers, and allowed ourselves excitement over this pregnancy.
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In the third trimester, our little boy, (we found out at 20 weeks), tried his hardest to come early. We visited the hospital at 30 weeks, and I got put on partial bed rest and medicine to stop contractions. We visited again at 32 weeks and ended up having to stay for a few days. They could not get my contractions to subside. I was given steroids to help bulk up our little guys lungs, so that if he were born that early he would have the best chance at survival. After 48 hours, I told my nurse that I wanted to stop my iv meds and that I was ready to have this baby. I wanted to quit prolonging what nature was trying so hard to make happen. Amazingly, about 20 minutes after stopping my meds, my contractions stopped all on their own. Unless you have been there, you won't understand my irrational anger that I would again be leaving the hospital empty handed. I felt betrayed, and sad. I finally got myself to the point of pure readiness for this baby, and I felt so let down.
I was put onto true bedrest then and a more intense medicine regiment, and labor was put off again for another couple weeks. But then, at 36 weeks, our little man tried again to come. This time I was sobbing, as the car pulled away from the hospital. Our empty car seat taunting me from the back of the car.
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| about to pop. |
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