who I've become.

I read recently that giving birth and becoming a mother is "filling a void that you didn't know existed."  The author said, in a most poetic way, that it is like seeing a sunrise for the first time.  Like having your first taste of chocolate.  Minutes before experiencing these things you were just carrying on in life not knowing that with the orange, pink, and purple display that would soon happen, your life would be that much more full.  Life would be more beautiful (and delicious) knowing that sunrises and chocolate existed in the most glorious of ways.

This got me thinking.

Before having Kai, I didn't realize how much I wanted to be a mother.  I didn't realize I had a void in my life.  I was happy enough.  Dan and I were close and connected.  My relationship with my family was becoming stronger.  I thought I had everything I needed.  Then... enter this beautiful, fragile, 7lb 11 oz little angel, that literally depended on me to keep him happy, nourished, healthy, and very simply alive.  My entire identity, purpose, and life was suddenly changed.  No longer was my worth found in being the best dressed, most popular, most loved, best waitress, hard worker, great daughter, or any other unachievable lie that society made me believe.  My worthiness is found in my heart.  It is found in my boys smiles.  It is found in his health.  It is found in his mind expanding and learning.  It is found in the unconditional and ever-growing love between us.

I had no idea that my happiness could be so much more colossal and more advanced.  I had no idea that my relationship with Dan would be that much more connected, intimate, and special as his identity changed too.  I had no idea that my relationship with my parents, my siblings and even grandparents, would suddenly become so much more deep as their identities deepened, and gained new purpose along with mine.

A void that I didn't know existed was now full.  It hasn't always been rainbows and unicorns, but that hole was redeemed and made whole.

I now know in this life, my most pure, most substantial, most paramount and most significant role is to mother. And to mother the best that I can.

This is who I've become.  Who I am.

Waiting

Waiting sucks.  Longing for something and choosing to wait for it sucks more.

Dan and I have decided to wait again for a new baby.  Its hard.  No matter how much it makes sense financially, and the timing might be tough, it still is painful to make that decision.

The deepest and most pure part of my being knows that my purpose is to mother.  I never imagined I would only be mothering one sweet boy.  When we found out I was expecting Kai, nothing seemed in our favor.  Dan and I had only just become official, I had just moved to a new place just one day before, I had no insurance, I was young, and our love was younger.  We dealt with and overcame every obstacle, and I believe, we found grace through all the trials.  Now almost five years later, we are figuring things out.  Our marriage is strong, we have a beautiful home to grow in, we have jobs to support us, not a lot of extras, but everything we need.  And yet it is still hard.

Is there ever a right time to grow your family.  Is waiting futile? I don't have the answers.  I don't know what lies ahead for us, or if choosing to wait will ever result in my hearts desire.  I can only just hope that, for us, waiting means putting off for now, and that we won't always just be waiting.

And to you, my perfect, sweet, little baby.  I love you already.  I pray for you daily.  I want you.  And you will be so so worth the wait.

And then there was light.

Oh my God, what is this funk I'm in?

Our house is a mess.  There is laundry to do and crumbs smooshed into the carpets.

I'm so bored.

I'm so tired.

I have a head ache. It's throbbing.  The light hurts.

This chair is so uncomfortable, and it's so hot.

I'll try the couch.  Still hot.

I wonder what there is to eat.

Hmmm, what can I make with instant rice and cheese.

Cheese.

I need to go to the store. I don't want to spend money.

I hate money.  We need money.

I hate working.  We need money. 

How am I going to keep working and be pregnant.

We need money.

No one gets it. 

My heart wants a baby, it yearns for, and demands a baby.

Why am I not pregnant yet?

Can we even afford one?

Does Dan want one the same way? Does he have these same thoughts?

This can't be normal.

What is wrong?

I should be happy.  We have it so good.

Kai is so loved.  He is thriving.  He is excelling.  Why is it hard to focus on.

Dan loves me so well.  Our marriage is strong.  We have endured.  It is excelling.  

Why can't I focus on that?

I should talk to him.

Maybe I'm depressed. Is it hereditary? 

This cant be normal. I'm not normal.  What's wrong with me?

I'm so tired. My head is throbbing. Not enough sleep.

"Um babe"... in his sweetest, most timid, and loving voice... "do you always feel this way or only once a month? Maybe like a cycle?"

And then there was light.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Carry on women, pray for more sleep, sweet kids, sweeter husbands, and a little sweet chocolate.

peace finding journey.

It was two and half years ago that we first began down the road of fully understanding our son. It was then that we were told that Kai had some "developmental delays."  We started immediately with in home therapy working 3 to 4 days a week with a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, and an early childhood special educator.  These women worked with the whole family to bring Kai to where he should be.  I cant express my thanks enough for the blessing that was "free therapy."  Really and truly I am thankful, but also I started to resent it. 

Kai made gradual progress in play, sluggish progress in his sensory needs, but remained pretty stagnant in his progress with speech.  My heart was the same.  I was so proud that the women coming each week saw how sweet and loving my little man could be.  But at the same time, I felt burdened to have them in my home every week.  I was so proud when his play style advanced from "dump and fill." But I felt discouraged when he'd get frustrated and hit, throw, kick, and bang his head against his therapists. (and don't even get me started on the embarrassment when Kai's frustration happened out in public)  At the center of my heart, I was struggling with it all.

 A few months into this journey I expressed my fears to a friend.  At the time I thought maybe my sweet, mayor of a son, could have been on the spectrum.  That word floated around in my head for a while haunting me, and probably shading my outlook of the great strides Kai was making.

Then, I got a message from that friend's well meaning family member, with websites to look into, links, info, and celebrity believers, all that said that the reason for Kai's struggle was because Dan and I had chosen to get Kai his recommended Vaccines.  As if I didn't feel enough blame and shame for Kai's delays already.  

As moms we all have our own methods of parenting.  We all make choices for our children every day to better them.  I did (and continue to do) what I think is right for Kai.  And for us, that means taking the risk of getting our son vaccinated, over the risk of what those diseases could mean for Kai.

Yesterday was Kai's 4 year well visit, and that meant two shots for him.  No matter my beliefs about them, the huge tears that follow still make my heart hurt. Kai is doing great,  there are still major delays, but we have seen such huge growth.  He is most definitely NOT on the spectrum, is making friends, and loving his swim lessons.  And for the record, his delays don't have a title, or reason, or rhyme, they are just part of what makes my son so special and unique.

The point of all this, is that, as moms, we need to stop judging, explaining, making reasons for, making excuses for, and stop comparing to, each other's parenting style. Let it be, and let each other begin their own peace finding journey.  It was two and a half years ago that I began mine.

It's Been Some Time

It has been almost exactly a year since my last post.  Why is it that something that gives you such a cathartic release, enjoyment, and fullfillment, is one of the first things to get tossed to the side when life gets a little crazy.  Let this be my message in clear written form, DO MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE, if there is happiness and contentment, THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

In the last year, there has been lots of changes. I know- weird right? The last 5 years have held so many dueling dichotomys.  Pleasant-Unpleasant --- Mundane-Exciting --- Stressful-Peaceful --- Fun-Frightening---  Worry-Hopefulness --- and exactly what was meant for us.

All of Kai's therapy sessions turned into him being qualified for special ed preschool.  He goes 4 mornings a week and I cannot believe this, but next week is the official end of his first school year.  There is a vast difference between where he began and where he is now, and we are so proud of the progress he has made.  But there are still some hugely discouraging days, where it still seems like he is miles from where his peers are.  As a mom it is so hard not to compare.  Kai is one of the most loving children I've ever met and demands "five kisses" from anyone and everyone.  He notices babies crying and his heart melts for them. He is so good at distinguishing peoples emotions, and responds accordingly. And he makes us so genuinely happy.  Also, he turns 4 in just a couple weeks- How can that be?

Dan just had his one year anniversary at his new job, and is really proving himself there.  I am so proud to watch him work so hard and do so well.  Who knows what the future will bring with jobs, of all people we understand that there is no guarantee, but for now, I feel like he is right where he belongs. 

For me, I finally feel like I'm succeeding at being a wife, and a mom.  In the last few months, I have chosen to step back a bit from my job and decrease my hours at work to dedicate more time for the things that really matter.  It hasn't been totally easy financially, but when is it ever? It took me so long to finally feel like I was doing a good job and finally feel proud of my role as a mother and wife vs. being a working mom.  But it also is a huge adjustment.  For so long, I have found my worth in working and working my hardest, and I have dedicated WAY too many hours to my job.  So now, I'm trying to refocus my energy into my home and my loves.  It has been great to see good things come from that.  I guess, in a way it is just me maturing and becoming a real, living, and breathing, Mother.  Before I was just a mom- now I feel like I'm more than that.

Dan and I achieved our goal of a new home and it was a VERY stressful ride to get here.  There was months of unsureness and praying and hoping and willing it to happen, and now it has. We are so proud of the house we get to plant our family roots in and make our Home.  We have been in now for almost 5 months and we are mostly settled.  There are so many things we'd love to get done to make it feel cozy, but now we've got the time to get it done.  Like forever- Dan says we are never moving again. 

Our sweet little family is growing, maturing, and becoming more of what we want it to be.  Our life is finally in our own hands, and we feel like we are making our own choices to steer in the direction we want to go in.

We are aboard the roller coaster of life and it is a sweet sweet ride.

change or be changed.

What does it take for a person to change?

In the last year, we have moved twice, Dan has switched jobs twice, went through a couple months of being unemployed, I went back to work, it has been brought to our attention that Kai has some developmental delays, we have therapists in our home three days a week, and our life seems as crazy busy as it always has.

At the core I am the same woman,  same mother, same wife, same daughter.

What does it take for a person to become better?

How many times must you make the same mistakes, to realize it is in fact you, who must do the changing and growing. And maybe what they are saying is true, it is in fact YOU.

How many different jobs, homes, vehicles, new relationships, and then relationships lost, arguments, triumphs, and failures must a person have before they change?

In my life I always try to make changes to positively progress my life.  If I don't like being a stay at home mom, I go get a job.  We want to buy a new house, we pick up more shifts, and save the money.  I make choices because I want to change for the better.

Why do some people never make any choices to better themselves.  Instead they do the same thing over and over and over again, and get worse and worse, and bring people down with them, and hurt everyone in the process. 

I guess all that can be controlled is for me to make yet another growth change, and become better when others cant.  And I'll know that I will always have my little boy and big boy to hold my hand through the process.

hide and seek.

Hide and seek.  Not the game you play when you are little, where you hide in the closet behind some of Grandma's old clothes, and you have to stifle giggles so that your cousins won't find you.  No not that one.

I mean the one I sometimes find myself playing with God. 

I am a religious person.  I accepted Christ as my personal savior a long time ago.  I have been on a ton of missions trips.  In high school I was known as one of the Thomas sisters, a little bit goody-goody.  While others were at parties, we were at youth group.  We went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday.  My mom sang on the worship team.  We prayed before every meal.  Religion coursed through the veins of our family. 

Now that I'm older, my religion and the way I live it, has become my own responsibility.  Maybe responsibility isn't the right word.  But, once I was out of the family house, and on my own, I had to be accountable on my own for my faith.  No longer, do I have my mom to put foam curlers in my hair to prepare for Sunday morning church services. It is up to me to make it to church, it is up to me to pray before my meals, it is up to me to prioritize my day to allow for a quiet time to be in the Word. 

I am still a very passionate person about my beliefs, and I still have a very personal relationship with Jesus, and I think having Kai has helped me grow in my faith.  It has become so much more immediatley important that I be an example for him.

And yet I still struggle. 

The last couple weeks have been especially trying for me and my faith.  Why is it that when things get so hard in life, it becomes so much easier to hide from God? We should be seeking Him out, leaning on Him for support, and crumbling at His feet at the very hardest times.

I tell myself that I am trusting in God at my hardest times.  I pray about my struggles.  I tell myself I have unburdened myself, and have hung all my baggage on His neck.  I tell myself all these things, and yet today, I was reminded that I am still keeping a grip on the strap of the enormous piece of luggage I had just "given" to God.

There is no hiding from God.  He will continue to "find" you no matter how hidden you think you might be. Or how long it has been.  Or the choices you have made.  He will never lose sight of you.

I had been hiding, and this morning, like a slap in the face I was found.

I had been struggling majorly with forgiveness and giving grace like I would like to be given.  Guess what my MOPS lesson was on this morning.  Yep you guessed it.  Giving grace, giving forgiveness.  Ready or not, here He comes.  Busted. 

So this morning, I am officially giving it all up to Him.  I do not want it anymore.  The only person I am hurting by holding on to the bitterness is me.  Take it please Lord. Change my heart, and let me show love.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,

so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us

in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

words.

Remember the first time someone told you they love you. Think about the way it felt.  Relive the way the hair on your arms stood strait.  Dwell upon that tingly feeling at the bottom of your stomach.  Go back, and keep forever the build up as you prepared to say "I love you too."  Revive the way you felt any time you would make eye contact with that person, or heard their name, or when you saw their name on the caller id, or when you held their hand.  Everything changes when you hear those words.  Three little words that mean so much, you feel completely electric.

Words are powerful.

Remember the when the doctor told you, "You're pregnant."  The overwhelming feeling. The joy, and the fear.  Reminisce about the way you felt telling your family, your husband, or for me, my boyfriend.  Recall the excitement, the fear, the joy, and the love.  Again two words, meaningless on their own, change your entire being.  The words change the way you live your life, they change your future, they change everything.

Words are pivotal.  They hold true weight. 

Remember when you heard the words "Marry me".  Relive the feelings of pure ecstasy.  Remember the dreams that came with those two little words.  Conjure up the feeling of blessedness that accompanied those words.  Now remember the way you felt when you told that person "I do."  Again, just two little words that are used all the time, in our daily vocabulary.  Alone, they mean nothing.  But when you say them to the person you love, on that special day.  They mean everything. 

Words can be momentous.

That might be the longest introduction ever.

But my point is that words have weight to them.  Just by hearing, or saying them, can give a person an actual physical reaction.  They can cause heart rates to pound harder.  They can bring tears to your eyes.  They can make the little hairs stand strait.  Words can be crucial.  They can be major.

And your words can be the most critical part of making someone feel good.  Or bad. 

Your words, my words, they are important.  So only use them if you really mean them.  Because your words, my words they also stick.  Once they are out in the world, you cannot ever get them back.  Your words are everything.  Good or bad, they are consequential. 

Choose your words with weight.

truths and thoughts.

Hello friends, its been a while.  The truth is, almost every day I sit down to write, thinking that I have all these great ideas, and once that little cursor starts to blink at me, all those great ideas suddenly seem kind of stupid.  So, I'm sorry to leave you hanging.  I'm sure you are all sitting on the edge of your seats waiting. Ha, delusion.

truths.

1. Kai and I built his first fort yesterday.  We spent a couple hours watching movies, eating chips, and playing with his super cool baby toolbox.  The songs that stupid thing sings are still stuck in my head.  It made me feel like I had a big kid, then I realized my someday big kid probably won't want mom playing in his fort.

2. We didn't win powerball last night.  I actually couldn't sleep Tuesday night, because I stayed up fantasizing about what I would do with 50 some million dollars.  I had plans, and for some reason I truly believe this would be Dan and I's big break.  There's that delusion again.  I probably checked the powerball website 30 plus times yesterday thinking that the drawing happened at 10am.  When I couldn't find the winning numbers, I then googled what time and channel I could watch the live drawing.  When I couldn't find that, I realized that maybe it happened at 10pm.  I had fantasized calling Dan saying we had won... "YOU CAN QUIT!!!!" Better luck next time.

3. I'm working hard on my laundry.  After reading one of my old posts in which I complain endlessly about the never ending chore, my mother-in-law made the trek up the mountain to help me start fresh.  That's the thing about chores, they get way too overwhelming if you don't keep up with them regularly.  Kay helped me go through storage closets, cupboards, dressers, and we started fresh.  We made nearly 30 trips to the community dumpster purging all of the previous tenant's crap, and all of our un-needed mess.  She taught me a few tricks about how she keeps up with it all.  We went to Walmart, and spent almost $90 on new cleaning products.  And I am proud to say, I have kept up with it all.  No longer, is the laundry room a torture dungeon and I even take pride in all the chores I accomplish during the day.

4. We're sticking it out for another long winter high in the mountain-tops.  I'm trying to keep positive about this, because I know it is just as hard for Dan.  While it is completely monotonous for me to sit at home, inside, trying not to freeze, and taking care of Kai every day, Dan has to venture out into the cold every day, to go to work at a place that he hates.  I am hoping the Lucas inn makes a comeback this season for all of our friends and family to visit.  With more bodies, we can share body warmth and make it through the snowy season.

thoughts.

1.  I want to become one of those moms that plans more hands on activities and structured playtime for Kai.  I just struggle making that change.  So often, I find myself putting Kai in the middle of the room with a whole slew of toys and let him go crazy.  I need to figure out different activities that I can do with a 16 month old.  I want to be one of those moms.  It is something that I struggle with though. 

2.  I want to become one of those families.  I want to have traditions.  I want to plan fun things for the weekends.  I want to have dinner around the table.  I want to have cute fall centerpieces.  So often, on the weekends, we fall into this lax routine of sleeping in, planting ourselves on the couch, and eating junk food.  That is all fabulous every now and then.  But I want to make memories.  I want to go to the pumpkin patch.  I want to go on a hay ride.  I want to do things.  Its hard up here though.  By the time the work week is over, we are both tired, and our energy is low. But it is my hope that someday we'll make the transition.  I tell myself though, that when Kai gets a little older it will be easier.  Does anybody have ideas on traditions or activities we can do right now?

3.  I am a bit delusional.  Call it being naive or dumb or whatever.  But I kind of like it. I like believing there is a big cloud of rainbows surrounding my life.  I like believing I'm going to win the HGTV green home.  I like believing I'm going to win the lottery.  Because if you don't truly believe its already yours, whats the point of ever entering the contest?

truths and thoughts... what are yours?

scrambled eggs.

The last couple days have been difficult.  We are in the midst of making some big decisions and some big changes.  My brain this morning very closely resembles scrambled eggs.  So this post is going to be a little scrambled.  I'll call it stream of consciousness- it sounds a little nicer.

my brain- dismiss the perfect presentation, and the deliciousness.

*My house is a disaster* there are blocks strewn all over the floor.  There are dirty dishes on the counter, and in the sink, and on the ottoman, and there is a water cup festival taking up residence on both bedside tables.  Not to mention the endless amounts of laundry teasing me from multiple rooms in this house.

*We have 6 weeks to move*  We have decided not to renew our lease, but we don't know where we will be moving to, back to Denver - in which case we also don't know where we will work- or to somewhere else up here - in which case we don't know where, AND, that means continuing on with the job that leaves Dan unfulfilled.  So we are left with a giant decision, stay in Vail and be unhappy, or move and not know where we'll get paid.  Crazy... a decision like this means stress.  Stress.  S.T.R.E.S.S.   

*It is too cold outside* We left summer in Vail, to go to Jamaica and be hot and sweaty and in the perfect sun, and returned to winter.  The fall season was passed over as last night we recieved our first winter storm warning.  Yuck.  I am reminded that when the winter season is here, it is a lot more lonely for a stay at home mom as we cannot really play outside. No longer can we sit barefoot on our porch and enjoy the mountain views.  Instead, we sit inside, most likely in the basement, and most likely with the tv on creating a constant white noise hum.

*This is a phase*  I have heard so many times other mothers reminding each other that whenever things are hard to tell yourself that it is just a phase.  This is a phase.  This is a phase.  This is a phase.  We have had a stressful phase before.  We will have more stressful phases to come.  This is a phase.  This is a phase.

This.Is. A. Phase.

 

  *I am a good mom*  No matter what is happening inside my head or in Dan's and no matter the stresses that surround our family right now, I am a good mom.  I must remind myself of this.  No I am not the best cleaner, I am not very organized, I leave my mail in the box for sometimes weeks, I am a couple days behind on scheduling a routine doctor check up for Kai, I let Kai watch movies whenever he wants, we don't keep good schedules, and most of all, I. Hate. Laundry.  But I have the most perfect son.  He is healthy, he is so happy, he is smart.  And I have so much love in my heart for him.  And I am a good mom.  My son has an amazing personality, and Dan and I are good parents.  Sometimes, I need to remind myself that no matter what I think a good mom is supposed to look like- the June Cleaver type-  I have the most happy, smiley little man, and that says something.  I don't need those damn pearls to prove anything.

*the 4:30p.m. sprint*  most days, around 4:30p.m. I think "Okay, Dan will be home from work soon.  How in the world can I run a sprint around this house to make it look like I was uber productive today?"  Please God, don't let me be the only stay-at-home-mom that runs the 4:30 sprint.  It's the time of day where I achieve the most, in the least amount of time.  Dan doesn't expect me to do anything, or demand anything from me, and accepts fully the woman he married, but still I sprint.  He knows that he will almost surely never find me in pearls and heels vacuuming, unless of course it is Halloween, or a sick joke meant to taunt him. But still I will sprint.  I need to train more for something like the day long marathon.  Honestly though, I hate running.  

 My brain is a scattered mess, much like my house, and for that matter, this post too. 

But I am trusting and praying that the stress will soon be relieved, and with that, my brain and my house will be unscrambled and put back into order.  God has a plan, greater than our own, and so I will be patient and wait.

come away with me in the night.

A Wedding Anniversary.  A yearly observance of the day that I married my best friend.  A day to remember the way he looked standing at the end of the aisle.  An entire day dedicated to renewing the romance that can get all muddied up by the mundaneness of day to day life.  For me, it was a day spent away from routines, to be enchanted by our love all over again.

Our first anniversary doubled as our honeymoon.  We traveled to Montego Bay, Jamaica, and spent a week holding hands, laying out, enjoying pool cocktails, eating, and appreciating each other. 

It was incredible.

It was the perfect timing for a very well needed break from our treadmill lives.

looking up at our cabana

Besides getting a jelly fish sting across both of my thighs, it was the perfect gettaway. 

I loved spending so much one on one time with my groom. Some times we get so swept up by our jobs, our kids, money stresses, just the ho-hum of our day to day routines. I loved being able to slow down, and love my husband.  To appreciate how fulfilling our marriage is.  To laugh, to tease, to make love, to renew. 

Happy one year anniversary to my love, my heart, and my life. 

Come away with me and we'll kiss.  

On a mountaintop.

Come away with me.

And I'll never stop loving you.

time.

Here it is.  The last chapter in becoming a mother.  It has only taken me fourteen and a half months to tell this story.  And as I sit here with my sweet boy napping peacefully upstairs I am moved to tears thinking about the day I stopped just carrying this baby inside me, and actually became a mother.

After having so many visits to the emergency room, and leaving empty handed each time, I was so ready.  Most pregnant women say that.  But the journey that I went through to allow myself the excitement of becoming a mother was so up and down.  It was hard.  Some days, I was excited, the next, I was devastated and immensely frightened.  By the time the day came I was ready.  I longed so dearly for this baby to be in my arms.  I struggled so much with the idea of being pregnant, I was so ready to not be anymore.  I was ready to move away from the struggle and anxiety and anxiousness.  I was ready for this little baby, Dan, and I to be a family.  This time, I wouldn't be leaving without my son.

06. 10. 2010

I packed and repacked my overnight hospital bag all day long.  Never mind that it had already been packed sitting by the door for weeks.  Just like any overnight stay, I packed way too much.  I spent so much time looking at lists online of what to bring for the birth.  Fuzzy pink robe.  My slippers.  A few kinds of lotions.  My make up.  A brush.  My razor.  Toothbrush.  A couple of outfit choices (I didn't know what I would feel like wearing).  Sweat pants.  Sweat Shirts.  Two nursing bras.  A few pairs of granny panties.  Socks.  A lavender scented neck rest.  Two pillows.  A journal.  A couple of magazines. My baby's first teddy bear.  A couple receiving blankets.  A couple newborn outfits. A wrist watch with a second hand.  Hard candy.  My suitcase was packed.

Dan worked a half day tying up all the loose ends.  We were shocked, and so blessed when we were told Dan would have a full six weeks off from his job once the baby arrived.  This meant though that he had a lot to handle before the time came to head to the hospital. 

While Dan was away I had so much time. I had all day to sit with myself and my child who was still inside me.  I had time to sleep in.  Time to rock in the new glider in the new nursery.  Time to look at my round, beautiful, basketball of a stomach.  Time to pray.  Time for tears.  Time for excitement. And time for a decadent, long, and steamy shower.

I had been alone with my thoughts all day.  And when Dan joined me, we talked together about each of our own anxiousness, fears, and hopes.  We made bets on what time our son would be born.  We made a video journal touring the nursery, and telling our unborn child what mommy and daddy wanted for him someday.  We told him what we were nervous for.  What was most exciting.  And I did one last spin to show my giant belly.

I was told that I couldn't eat a very big meal before going into the hospital last night, so we headed across the street to Olive Garden and had soup, salad, and bread sticks.  They really have the very best italian salads. Mmmmmmmm.

After lunch we took our dog down to stay at the new grandma's house, and spent time with them discussing our fears, praying, and expressing our nerves.

Then it was time to head to the hospital.  Because I was being induced I went in, scheduled, on a Thursday night at 8:00.  I remember the drive to the hospital being pretty quiet.  I was so scared.  And I couldn't quite explain why.  I had just barely gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, and I was so scared that I wouldn't be a good mom.  I had this idea of the mom that I hoped I would become, and suddenly I was struck with the idea that I couldn't live up to the standards I had given myself.  There was no way I am going to be able to keep this little helpless child alive.  But I couldn't speak this out loud.

We got to the hospital and was met by my mom who didn't want to miss a thing. I'm so thankful she was there.  The entire time she was there, she kept a notepad attached to her hands and would jot down notes about my labor, and the timing of it all.  I love looking back on that timeline now.

everybody thought this was so funny.

8:18p.m.  Once I was checked into my room and changed into my totally fashionable pink robe, I finally was able to relax a little.  That is, until the nurse came in to start my iv.  I have always had trouble getting my blood drawn or getting an iv of any kind.  My veins always collapse.  This time it took three separate sticks to get it right.  I was crying, and received some pretty nasty bruises as a souvenir.

9:20p.m. I swallowed my first cytotec pill to prepare my cervix for delivery.  And we started watching Zoolander, both to take my mind off things, and to drown out the sounds of labor next door.  My nurse said another girl the week before was watching the same movie for the same reason.  Who knew Ben Stiller was a calming source for laboring women.  My friend Kendra came in to visit us, and when the nurses would leave the room, we really were having fun.  She was a good distraction for us, and I think both Dan and I were thankful to have her there.  At this point my contractions were 2.5 to 3 minutes apart but not painful at all yet.  I wonder now if it was just the good company that made them not hurt too bad.

-The entire time we were in the hospital Dan had his video camera in his hands and continued our video diary.  While there were times, I thought that was the most annoying thing ever, I am now so thankful that he did.  I ball any time I watch it, the rawness of the video show just how emotional and beautiful of an experience we had.

-My mom spent the night on the little couch in the waiting room.  She wanted to be there if anything happened in the night time. I'm still not sure how much sleep she actually got.  She was such a trooper and was a huge support for both Dan and I.  Never wanting to leave my side.

-The next morning I got my last meal.  I ordered a toasted bagel with plain cream cheese and a couple apple juices.  Hospitals have THE BEST apple juice EVER!!!!  And the cherry on top was that I got to take a shower.  Oh how, I would come to love and appreciate showers every day for the rest of my life.

06. 11. 2010

8:15a.m.  The nurses (I wish I could remember their names.  Most I loved, and one I hated.  Bad.) came in and started me on antibiotics (I tested positive for strep), and started my pitocin drip.  I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced.  I was having hardly any contractions at this point and was totally ready to get the ball rolling.  We made guesses about what time our little guy would be arriving and I wanted him as soon as possible.  I said by 5:00p.m. "He better be here."  Dan and my mom recorded everyones guesses both on film and written down, although, now I have no idea who won, or what the prize was.  I was mildly distracted.

9:10a.m.  The nurses increased my pitocin to 2ml/hour trying to move things along.

10:15a.m. My doctor came in to break my water.  I had a panic attack.  Dan had gone downstairs to move the car from the emergency parking lot, into the "I'll be here a while" side.  I wanted him to be with me, holding my hand through every step.  I was so afraid he wouldn't be there for this.  I also knew, that once my water was broken, there was no turning back.  I knew the labor would get more intense and painful.  And all of a sudden I just wanted to keep this baby inside me.  I didn't really have to give birth.  But, Dan made it, he wiped my tears, held my face next to his, made me focus on his eyes, and gush, my water was broken.  Right as I felt the gush, Dan's cell phone went off with a Star Wars light sabor sound, signaling a text message.  It was the perfect comic relief that I needed to snap out of my tears. 

10:30a.m.  I started walking up and down the halls trying to let gravity do its thing.  My contractions were getting stronger and more painful.  So every couple minutes, I gripped Dan's hand a little tighter, we stopped walking, and I tried my hardest to remember all the Lamaze techniques I had learned.  I thought I was tough.  Dan and I had practiced pinching my arms and ear lobes and breathing through the pain just like our Lamaze coach told us to.  That stuff really is just a bunch of bull when it comes to the actual labor pains.  At least it was for me.

11:30a.m.  Back into the room.  I was gripping the side of the bed and Dan's mom came to visit.  When she saw the pain, I think she left and would return later.  I remember her praying with us and thats about it.  I really was only able to think, or speak, or even live, in between contractions.  That precious minute or so of relief.

12:15p.m. I got checked by my nurse and I was only 3-4 cm dilated and 90% effaced.  I was disappointed I wasn't further along.  For the amount of pain I was in, I thought for sure I would be at least 6 cm. I remember feeling pretty defeated.

12:30p.m. I got into the jacuzzi.  I needed some kind of relief.  The warm water felt nice for about 30 seconds, every minute and a half.  Only in between contractions.  Otherwise, everything was extremely uncomfortable.  Dan was there with me holding my hand, and putting cold wash clothes over my forehead and neck.  It was probably the most intense experience we had ever shared.  I literally thought I would die. 

1:50p.m.  I had had all I could take.  I needed the epidural, badly.  After the intense prick and burning, ahhhh there was euphoria.  I was ready to party.  And anyone that could see my room after that point, would think that is exactly what was happening.  We had probably 15 or 16 people in there.  Everyone huddled around and prayed with us again.  And of course bet on times and weight.  My little brothers kept sneaking to the fridge in the hallway and filling their pockets with chocolate ice cream.  Thieves.

2:10p.m.  100% effaced and still 3-4cm.  The epidural, while heavenly, slows things down a lot.

4:45p.m.  100% and 6 cm.  P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S.

6:15p.m.  100% and 8 cm.  The end was in sight.  However, our little man's heart beat was decelerating pretty badly with every contraction, so they had me lay on my side.  Then my other side.  Then I got to eat a couple popsicles, thinking that a little sugar rush might help his heart to stay at a steady rate.  This didn't help either so on went the oxygen mask.  I was scared.  All of this preparation, and I didn't want anything to go wrong.   For all the trauma and emotions that this child put Dan and I through, I was so scared that he wouldn't be born healthy. The fear had set in again.

7:25p.m. My face turned. I remember looking at Kendra, my friend that was part of the welcome party.  And she says now, that she knew exactly what that face meant.  My sister Crystal, was standing right next to my bed and I whispered to her that I felt something weird.  She told me to just stay calm and wait to see if it continued.  I wasn't sure how I would know when I was ready to push.  And I definitely had no idea how it would feel. When the "weird feeling" didn't go away I told Dan to clear the room and get the nurse to check me.  "I think its time."  Sure enough, I was fully dilated, and it was time to push.

8:15p.m.  Our sweet, Kai Woodward Lucas, was born.  He had a knot in his cord and it was wrapped around his neck.  This was why his heart rate kept dipping.  He weighed 7 pounds 11 oz.  (lucky numbers) and was 20.5 inches long.   And completely healthy.  My nurse (the one I loved) kept telling us over and over to make sure we let our son know that God has a special plan for his life.  The fact that he turned out totally healthy, with a knot and his cord wrapped around his neck, was a true miracle.

- My eyes were immediately flooded.  And the minute they laid this tiny being on my chest, the tears just streamed down my face.  I could not control them.  Giving birth is such a humbling and out of body experience, and it took a while to comprehend that he was mine.  I had held plenty of newborns, but at that time, I forgot how to.  I was so scared.

But also extremely blessed.  I was going to try my hardest to be the best damn mother I could.  I was in love.  I was scared, but I was a mom, and I was in complete adulation.

The minute Kai turned towards me and began to nurse my heart was raptured, overtaken with complete attachment and respect for my child.

It was the most beautiful experience ever.  And the most bonding for Dan and I.  

I was elated.

I was content.

I was intoxicated by my son.

My life had been magnified ten-fold.

I was a mother.